so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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