Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
