I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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