Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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