If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
