He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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