the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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