I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
