That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
