I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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