Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
