He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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