5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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