its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
