I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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