She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The police scanner is talking about you again....
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
