I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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