My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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