Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
