So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
