im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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