I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
