I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
