oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
