Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
