took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
