im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
