She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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