There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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