You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
