I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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