omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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