Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You're so nebulous sometimes
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
