"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
