I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
