Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
