So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
