On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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