fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
