WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I believe in your delicious
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
