Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
