I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
