Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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