i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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