Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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