DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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