man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
