I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
