one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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