I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
