It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
