it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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