Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
