I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
