He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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